


A Night At The Circus

by Nadja_Lee



Category: The Sentinel (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Captivity, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Torture, Love, M/M, Military, Shaman Blair Sandburg, Supernatural Elements
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-04-02
Updated: 2004-04-02
Packaged: 2021-02-23 04:50:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23006029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nadja_Lee/pseuds/Nadja_Lee
Summary: Jim and Blair goes to the circus and both discover they possess extraordinary abilities...[Printed in the zine Bonded 4 in 2005]
Relationships: Jim Ellison/Blair Sandburg
Kudos: 35





	A Night At The Circus

“Did you enjoy the show, Chief?” Jim asked his partner as they exited the large tent where they had just seen the evening show a traveling circus had given in Cascade. Freed from the worst of the crowd, Jim allowed his right arm to circle Blair’s waist, holding him loosely beside him as they walked.

“It was great!” Blair said excitedly as they began to walk towards the workmen’s trailers of the circus people to reach their car. “I hope I can interview a few of the artists before they leave town. The circus community really is a fascinating world in itself. I could write an interesting paper on this.”

“Sure,” Jim agreed half-heartedly as Blair began to talk more about his planned paper, light dancing in his eyes while he spoke with words and hand gestures. Jim had never really cared for the circus, not even as a boy. He understood the fascination Blair felt about their society, but all he saw were sad people painted up to appear happy and animals with broken spirits forced to degrade themselves for the amusement of humans. There was something deeply depressing about seeing the once proud and free animals so broken, which had always gotten to him. Thus when Blair had asked if he wanted to go see the circus with him, Jim had wanted to decline; but Blair had seemed so eager to go that he had given in. It had been worth it to see Blair smile like he did tonight. 

It had taken some time but now, three years after Blair’s failed dissertation on Sentinels, Blair had finally rediscovered his enthusiasm and confidence in his work. He had received his Ph.D. a year earlier in anthropology, having written about the closed society of the police and turned it in to Wilman’s University, another big university in Cascade. He had declined the offer to become Jim’s official partner, something Jim in hindsight should have expected. He had continued on as an observer and was riding with Jim as before so the detective wasn’t complaining. All Jim wanted was to see the younger man happy and finally they were getting there. 

Life had turned out better than Jim had expected following the disaster with Blair’s dissertation. Not only had Blair finally attained his life’s dream of becoming a doctor and was now working as a part time professor at another University in town, but last year he had also admitted to harboring the same loving feelings for the former Army Ranger that Jim had kept hidden. Jim had known early on that he loved Blair like no other, but a lot of factors had made him decide that they should remain friends and nothing else. First of all, Jim had never loved another man before and years of ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ were hard to get rid of, even for a man who had never been homophobic. Also Blair had never made any mention of caring that deeply for any man. In fact, the slightly younger man had gone through woman after woman with a speed that had made Jim’s head spin. Not only did Blair’s constant stream of female lovers indicate he wasn’t interested, but it also told Jim that his friend didn’t like or want commitments of any kind and Jim knew that if he was to be with Blair it would have to be exclusive and forever. Anything less would be out of the question. So to hear Blair admit he wanted the same, that he was now ready for that, had been a miracle Jim had given up hoping for. 

“Hey, you okay, man?” Blair asked, worried as he noticed his lover’s distracted gaze. Jim turned his head and smiled at him, pulling him a bit closer. 

“Just thinking.”

“What about?” 

Jim’s smile widened and love shone in his eyes. “How lucky I am,” he said warmly and captured Blair’s lips in a kiss, which Blair happily responded to. 

“If that’s your reaction then I need to take you to the circus more often.” Blair grinned back at him before he suddenly realized that Jim had guided them towards the cages of the performing animals and not straight ahead, out of the field that the circus had been put up on and towards their car. “Jim, isn’t the car that way?” Blair pointed in the opposite direction and Jim frowned as his eyes swept over the cages of tigers and panthers. 

“Yes,” Jim admitted as if he had just realized that, despite the fact that in all their years together Jim had never once gotten lost while Blair could still get them into trouble when Jim let him navigate when they went fishing. Jim looked around and frowned thoughtfully. “Something seemed to draw me here,” he said, an almost far away look in his eyes as he released his hold on Blair and walked towards the cage that held a large black panther. 

Eyeing the nearing humans, the panther sat up but didn’t growl at them. In fact, Blair thought, it looked almost proud in its posture as it watched them. The longer Blair watched the animal, the more familiar it seemed.

“Jim…does the panther also remind you of something?” he tried carefully, not sure if it was just his over-active imagination. He was sure Jim, who was by far the logical and practical one in their dynamic, would make sense of it all. 

“It looks like my spirit guide.” Jim’s soft and thoughtful words echoed Blair’s thoughts. 

“Maybe that’s why you felt drawn here. You had noticed the similarity during the show and wanted to check it out,” Blair suggested, beginning to find the intense stare that the panther had locked with Jim to become a bit unsettling. It was as if there was an invisible beam between Jim’s blue eyes and the panther’s brown ones that linked them together. Thinking, Blair stepped to the end of the cage and away from Jim to get a better look at the sitting panther.

“I mean you no harm,” Jim wasn’t sure why he spoke the Sentinel soft words to the caged animal but there was something in the panther’s eyes…pain, loss, hurt and betrayal… Emotions which mirrored his own. He felt drawn to the panther like he had been drawn to the ghost of Molly and the twenty-three other ghosts who since then had asked for his help to solve their murders. 

I know, Sire 

The words seemed to form in his mind and, as he watched, the panther made a small nod with his head as if to show respect. Startled, Jim nodded back, repaying the courtesy. A million emotions ran through him at once, the most pressing was the thought that he must have lost his mind. Ghosts were one thing, but panthers talking in his head? Panthers who weren’t his spirit guide that is. That was strange, to put it mildly. 

Before Jim had time to consider it anymore, his mind seemed to explode and a soundless scream of pain escaped him. Unaware that his legs had given way under him or of Blair’s frightened yell as he ran to catch him, Jim was lost in another world. 

~~~~~

He found himself in a blue-rimmed world like the one he saw in his visions, only this wasn’t a jungle. It was a ring with different items put forth; rings of fire, stools, and other things common to a circus. 

When he looked down at himself, he found his paws black as night. It felt like a strange kind of virtual reality. He could sense and feel everything around him, but the body, thoughts, and emotions he felt weren’t his own. It was like being an empathic ghost housed in another’s body. A need to escape overcame him, that and the feeling that he didn’t belong here; he had been somewhere else before… somewhere better. He had been a leader among his people… It had been his responsibility to see to their safety and he had failed. 

He longed to feel the wind against his fur, smell and hear the jungle again… He longed to be free. Out of nowhere, a sharp pain exploded in his back and he gasped for air, trying to keep from voicing his agony by biting hard into his lip. Turning his head, he saw a man with a long black whip. They will not break me. That thought played over and over in his mind as he sat down, refusing to move as the human demanded of him. He knew the pain would come again, but refused to show fear for this lesser being who thought he could order an Alpha male around like his private toy. As predicted, another crack of the whip hit his back and sent flames of agony through his body. It was a fight for him to stay still but he had to… he had to. 

His sense of hearing picked up on heartbeats nearby and he knew his pack was watching him. This human would see him break before the people he had sworn to protect and care for. He was their leader and their protector. He would not fail them now. He couldn’t… wouldn’t. They might have been robbed of their freedom, but they still had their dignity. He could fight to keep that at least for his people. Another stroke fell and the pain threatened to cut him in half. This time he couldn’t help but let his agony turn to fury as he growled and lashed out at the human. He had tried to escape before and knew it wasn’t an option but he hadn’t given up… he couldn’t. 

Time lost its meaning as the world blurred before his eyes, turning into an angry red haze of agony as one stroke fell after the other. More painful than the hits themselves were the intense feeling of helplessness and humiliation…a feeling that no matter how much he fought he could not win.

~~~~~

“Jim! Please, please… Oh, God! Stop it!” The heartbroken cry of his lover brought Jim spinning back to reality; and when he opened his eyes, he saw that he was cradled awkwardly in Blair’s arms and that they had both fallen to their knees before the panther’s cage. He felt like he had just awoken from a nightmare and he had a headache like he had been drunk. What in the world had just happened? A look to the sky told him that some time must have passed for it was a lot darker now. 

“Ch…Chief?” he rasped, surprised that his voice sounded so weak, and even more to find that he tasted blood in his month from a bite in his lower lip. He saw that Blair had tears running down his cheeks and was looking at him with an expression of horror, fear and intense pain before he registered Jim’s words and relief floated over his face, smoothing out the lines of pain.

“Oh, God, Jim. Don’t ever do that again.” There were tears of relief in his voice as Blair gave his lover an awkward hug, which Jim began to lean into until a flame of fire spread through his body and he drew back as a small sound of pain escaped his lips. Blair released him at once, an apologetic look etched on his face.

“I’m so sorry,” he started to say, but Jim waved a hand at him to make him stop before he began a longer speech of self-discrimination.

“Just help me up,” Jim interrupted and tried to stand, not understanding why his back felt like it was on fire and why his sense of touch told him that something wet was dripping down his back. Had it rained? 

“Dial down your sense of touch,” Blair warned him in a strange tone of voice and Jim had a feeling he had said it earlier that night as well. 

Mentally searching for his pain dial, or more correctly touch dial, he found it was already on normal but turned it down a notch to escape the worst pain. Blair helped him slowly to his feet and Jim leaned on him, careful not to put too much of his weight on the younger man, as Blair appeared drained of energy, his face a ghostly white and his hands still shaking a little. Once Jim was on his feet again, Blair loosely put a hand on Jim’s lower back, just above his bottom, and the other on his arm. Jim brought his free hand to his back and felt it come back sticky. Examining his hand before his eyes, he saw it red with blood. His blood.

“What?” Jim turned confused eyes to Blair, not sure what to believe. Had he zoned out? With a rush, the images and feelings of being inside the panther, of being the panther, came back to him. That must have been the weirdest zone yet. Normally he was just gone, nothing there, until Blair’s warm and familiar presence brought him back. Why the change? A suspicion hit him… What if it hadn’t been a zone out at all?

“You don’t remember what happened?” Blair asked seriously, making an effect to collect himself, and Jim could hear how he fought to get his heartbeat and respiration under control. 

Fear clutched Jim’s heart. “Are you hurt?” He mentally scowled at himself for not having checked his partner and did so now, letting his senses run over Blair. The younger man looked tired and drained, like he had had a major shock, but otherwise seemed okay. Jim smelled the air, but with relief found he could smell no other blood than his own. 

The terror of watching the man he loved being hurt caught up with Blair as he heard that Jim’s first concern was his safety. The words moved him beyond belief and made the fear he had had that Jim might die in his embrace while he was helpless to stop it, all the more agonizing. “God, Jim.” 

A tear escaped Blair’s eyes and Jim was perplexed. What had he said? Sure, Blair and he had their arguments but he had never made Blair cry … until now apparently. After Blair had given up his lifework for him, Jim had sworn he would never again doubt Blair, would never again let his pride hold Blair back, and would do his best to never again hurt Blair. Had he now somehow broken that promise? The pain in his back momentarily forgotten, Jim stroked Blair’s cheek and wiped the tear away.

“I’m sorry, love,” he said sincerely, still confused about what was going on. 

Blair’s eyes lit up with love and he pressed a quick kiss to Jim’s lips. “No, no.” He shook his head. “I’m not hurt or mad at you. It’s just…” he was at a loss for words to describe what had happened. He was sure this was something he would never forget and which would trigger a whole lot of new nightmares. He had seen Jim suddenly fall to his knees before the panther’s cage. 

Blair had screamed Jim's name and had flown to his lover's side, sinking to his knees beside Jim and touching him, thinking he might have zoned. Suddenly a large bloody tear appeared on Jim’s back, ripping clothes and flesh, scaring ten years out of Blair, even more so because Jim was biting his lip, drawing blood to prevent from voicing his pain. Panicked, Blair had looked around for an attacker and found none. Not sure what to do, and still unable to deviate Jim’s gaze from the panther or get any sign of awareness from him, Blair had tried to speak to him and embrace him like he would if he had zoned. 

Stroke after stroke appeared on Jim’s back as if an invisible man was whipping him, making Blair cry out in pain and frustration. Thinking the strokes might come from a ghost or something else that only Jim could see, Blair had embraced Jim from behind, pressing close to him. His lips had formed a grim line as he had waited for the next strike of the invisible whip, sure that since he was laying over Jim’s back that the stroke this time would bite into his flesh. To Blair’s horror, his sacrifice didn’t come to pass. He had felt Jim’s body shake and felt the warm blood against his chest as another stroke hit Jim. 

Aware that his protective embrace was only hurting Jim instead of protecting him, Blair had drawn back. Tears of rage and helplessness had stained his cheeks as he had hugged Jim in a loose and gentle embrace, mindful of his wounded back. To his frustration, all he seemed able to do was hold Jim while his body shook in pain. Time had lost all meaning as Blair had held Jim tight, cursing the unknown creature that was hurting his lover. In the end, he had been a nervous wreck, on the borderline of hyperventilating into a full-blown panic attack. He had been unsure of what to do. His yells for help brought no one and the invisible tormentor didn’t pause at his threats or pleas. Not even when he begged the being to take him in Jim’s place did it bring forth a reaction. 

Blair hadn’t wanted to release Jim, whose arms had an ironlike grip on Blair’s, holding him in place even though he seemed unable to help ease Jim’s pain. Still, he had remained. Thinking maybe Jim drew strength from his nearness and afraid to leave him in case something worse happened while he left Jim unguarded to find help, Blair had found it better to stay. Each invisible whip mark had felt like a blow to Blair, who had tears steaming down his cheeks at his helplessness to help as he yelled for someone, anyone to please stop it. Finally, it had and Jim had appeared to recognize him again. 

Blair fought to stay calm as he continued his explanation and tried not to get lost in the dark memories of what had just happened. “Jim, I don’t know what happened, but to me it seemed like an invisible…force,” he settled with for lack of a better word, “was whipping you and I couldn’t stop them.” Tears were in his voice again and Jim pulled him into his embrace. Blair kept his hands clear of Jim’s hurting back and instead closed his arms around Jim’s neck.

“Shh. It’s okay now,” Jim whispered softly and stroked Blair’s hair in a loving and calming way until Blair had settled down and broke away from him. 

He smiled sheepishly at him, embarrassed that the ordeal had seemly left him more shaken than Jim. “Sorry.”

Jim shook his head. “Never be sorry for your feelings,” he said as he wiped Blair’s tears away with his thumbs, leaving a little of his blood on Blair’s cheeks as he did so. “You cry for me… It’s a rare gift,” he paused and then added softly, honestly, “Being forced to watch someone you love get hurt is often the worst torture you can subject anyone to.”

Blair smiled a little shyly at Jim's praise before concern overtook him. “You need to go to a hospital.”

Jim shook his head thoughtfully, forcing himself to think of something else besides the pain in his back. During his years as an Army Ranger, the ability to force pain to the back of his mind, ignore it and move on with the task at hand, had become second nature to him and that training served him well now. “It’s not serious enough to scar or to need stitches.”

“You don’t know that,” Blair protested, worried. 

“I do.” There was a certainly to his words which made Blair look questionably up at him and Jim drew a deep breath that he regretted taking when his ribs let him know they too had been mistreated by the painful lick of the whip. “I was trained as a medic in the army.”

“There’s more to it, ” Blair stated with certainty. 

Even before they had been lovers, Blair had been able to read Jim a lot better than anyone ever had. Jim avoided his eyes and instead looked at the black panther, who still sat in its cage, observing them.

“Whipping is a common means of interrogation.”

“You mean torture,” Blair corrected tensely, his imagination again becoming his enemy as images danced before his eyes. Images of Jim hanging by a ceiling, naked to the waist as some stranger whipped him… Another image popped up, only in this one it was Jim who was doing the whipping, a cold look on his face and an unreadable look in his blue eyes. A shiver ran through him as Blair found that the thought of Jim hurting someone in such a cruel and humiliating way bothered him more than the thought of Jim surviving such an attack. 

“Chief,” Jim’s serious voice brought Blair back to the present. “I’ve never whipped anyone.” Blair’s faint blush told Jim that the ability to read each other went more than one way. Ashamed of himself, that he had even thought that, and even more because that thought had bothered him so much, Blair began to form an apology, “I didn’t mean –”

“Yes, you did, and you were right,” Jim cut him off gently but firmly. “I was a soldier, a captain and an Army Ranger involved with covert operations. You have long ago figured out that though I’ve never talked about it, I’ve done things I regret.” He took a breath before he continued, fighting back memories he couldn’t deal with now, before he went on, “but that’s not one of them.” 

“Then how…?” Blair made a vague gesture towards Jim’s injured back, his ever present curiosity getting the better of him.

“I’ve been whipped before.” The words were said in the same tone of voice as when he asked if Blair wanted the cultural section of the morning paper during breakfast. Blair knew it was Jim's attempt at distancing himself from the painful memories brought back by the admission.

“What?!” Shocked, Blair looked at him, not sure what to say. “Why didn’t you tell me before?”

Jim tried to shrug but the pain in his back held him back. “Didn’t seem to fit in between watching a Jags game and saying I love you.”

Blair knew what Jim really meant was that he hadn’t wanted to talk about it and had wanted to spare Blair from hearing about it as well. Letting the issue go for now, Blair tried to guide Jim away from the panther’s cage, letting Jim lean against him for support. “Very well. If you don’t want to go to a hospital, though I still think it would be best, then let’s go home and I’ll patch you up.”

“This kind of injury would be hard to explain to a doctor in a hospital … and by law they'd have to report it to the police. ” Jim explained as the reason why he didn’t want to go to a hospital, besides the fact that, as he'd said, he didn’t need to. He could feel he had two bruised ribs, and his back hurt like hell but it would heal. It had before. He was about to let himself be guided away when a voice stopped him.

You have felt my pain. I ask you to consider this as I now ask you… Set me free, Sire. 

The voice in his head startled Jim and made him freeze in his tracks, his eyes locked with the panther’s. The brown depths of the animal told a tale of a strong spirit who in the end had been broken. It spoke of shattered pride and how he had tried to keep what little dignity he had left. It spoke of a leader who had been forced to see himself fail, faced with humiliation and pain. With a shock, Jim realized he was looking at his own spirit had he been in captivity long enough. This broken spirit, this broken being… It could have been him… For a second he would have sworn it was him.

“We can’t leave. We have to help him,” Jim said strongly, nodding towards the caged panther. His eyes went to the other caged animals who, he noticed, were watching him with interest; and if he didn’t know better, he would have sworn he saw respect and hope in their eyes. 

“Okay. We will call animal control when we get home,” Blair offered, a bit surprised by Jim’s request. He knew Jim had always cared a lot for animals, but there was desperation and a need in Jim’s request that almost made it seem as if it was a personal request. However at the moment, Blair’s main concern was Jim and getting him home so Blair could tend to his wounds.

“That’s not good enough. We need to get them home,” Jim insisted, his eyes locking with Blair’s, filled with so much pain and despair it tore Blair’s heart. 

“I would love to, but short of kidnapping them all and hiding them in the loft until we can get them smuggled out of the country, I don’t see how it can be done,” Blair hated to say no, but Jim’s request wasn’t logical. On the other hand, speaking with ghosts and showing whipping marks from an invisible enemy wasn’t logical either so….

Your knowledge serves you well, young Shaman, but in this matter you must follow the heart of your Sentinel. 

Startled, the words in his mind made Blair look around, only to find his eyes locked with the panther’s. He seemed unable to remove his eyes from the panther’s brown depths and he felt more than saw the despair, the need for freedom, the pain and loneliness the panther held within. There was a familiarity to the mental presence as the panther’s spirit seemed to brush his mind… It reminded him of Jim. 

“I don’t know what to do,” Blair whispered softly, his heart breaking at his own inability to help.

Your powers were always there, inside yourself. For once the Guide must anchor to the Sentinel. 

The words floated easily to him now and the mental presence, though painful with its desperation and sense of loss, was more welcome now that he was used to it.

“Anchor?” He spoke out loud, though he had a feeling his thoughts would have done the trick.

Shaman, the powers you and the Sentinel, our king, possess, are without equal. Tap into his energy, the energy that fuels both his rage and his love. Transform all his raw energy and simply… Follow his heart and it’ll guide you true. 

Well, it sounded… No, actually it didn’t sound simple at all. Blair begun to doubt if the voice he was hearing was real, but he couldn’t deny the need in it or the need in the panther’s eyes. He couldn’t not help. The least he could do was try. He thought of the words for a long moment. Then, with a determined look on his face, he turned so he and Jim were face to face. He laid a hand on Jim’s heart, smiling a bit to Jim in reassurance, and saw the need of the panther reflected in his lover’s eyes. 

“I don’t know if this’ll work,” Blair mumbled apolitically, his gaze shifting between Jim and the panther, who both seemed to expect him to perform a miracle with equal intensity. No pressure… If I fail, these animals…no, spirits, he corrected himself, will just remain slaves forever. Yeah, no pressure. Forcing himself to stay calm, he took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and tried to find something, anything, within himself.

Don’t try so hard. The answer was never in you. 

The soft words made Blair shift his focus towards Jim; and when one of Jim’s hands closed over the one he had placed on Jim’s heart, a world exploded behind Blair’s closed lids. His mental self was caught in the eye of a tornado, the only place of stillness and quiet, as a storm without equal raced around him. The tornado was filled with a rainbow of emotions, glimmering in all possible colors; the dark colors showing dark emotions and the light were warm ones. 

Knowing that the storm was Jim, and thus knowing it would never harm him, his mental self calmly sat in the lotus position, as he did when he meditated, inside the storm’s eye. He took a deep breath and focused on the storm, sensing it with his whole being. Molding the storm in his mind’s eye, it began to settle down, yet remained as strong as ever.

“Show me your freedom,” Blair whispered, unaware that he had spoken the words out loud. 

Suddenly, the landscape shifted to become the blue landscape of Jim’s visions, leaving Blair standing in the middle of a jungle. Looking around the jungle, it seemed more alive to Blair than it ever had before, even the times he had actually been in one in real life. Blair didn't see Jim, but the jungle was alive with animals; and as he opened his right palm, unaware he had closed it, he saw a storm of raw power within and he could have sworn he saw Jim’s face dancing in the miniature’s storm’s eye that he held inside his hand. Suddenly, he knew what to do and he took his hand up to his lips and gently blew. 

The storm sprang free from his hand and out jumped six animals… the animals he had seen perform at the circus. The storm whirled around beside him until it finally settled down and became Jim, standing tall in his army fatigues, wearing a bandana on his head. 

Jim smiled as he looked from the six feline creatures to Blair and reached out to take hold of Blair’s hand, giving it a warm squeeze. 

After nodding towards first Jim and then Blair, each animal disappeared into the jungle until only the panther remained. It went to Jim and did a good impression of a bow, taking its head to its forelegs. 

Thank you, Sire. 

For the first time since Jim had seen him, the panther seemed truly alive, its eyes sparkling, its pride, honor, and dignity restored like a soldier being granted an honorable death instead of slowly fading away and losing his sense of self. Jim nodded back in a respectful greeting: one leader, one protector, to another. 

“Your spirit was my own,” the image of Jim said softly, meaningfully, and the panther seemed to smile. 

The panther then turned to Blair and bowed his head again in greeting. 

Shaman. 

The title was a thanks, an honor given, and a message that Blair had yet to fully decipher. 

With that, the panther turned around and disappeared into the jungle. As soon as the panther was out of sight, the jungle dissolved and Blair found himself back before the panther’s cage, his hand still on Jim’s heart, Jim’s warm hand still lying protectively over it.

“Wow,” he got out and Jim smiled gently to him.

“You can say that again.” With his head, he nodded towards the panther’s cage and Blair found it was empty yet the lock on it remained intact. Looking around, Blair found that all the cages were empty.

“We… I…” He was at a lost for words. “What did we just do?”

Jim’s smile was warm, but his eyes still held a hint of pain. “We helped people in need… freed them from a life of pain and humiliation.”

Blair didn’t correct his words to animals for the panther had felt real… very real. Shaking his head to clear it of all the questions he had, he smiled softly at Jim as he stroked his cheek, a hint of worry in his eyes as he saw the pain and strain on Jim’s face. To tell the truth, he himself felt as if he needed forty hours of sleep… at least.

“Let’s go home. We’ll figure out what happened in the morning.”

“Sounds good to me,” Jim agreed and gratefully allowed Blair to help him to the car; though he did his best not to lean too heavily on his lover, aware from Blair’s body’s reactions that his lover must be exhausted as well. 

“I’ll drive. You’ve lost a lot of blood and could be light-headed,” Blair said as they reached the car. He didn’t add that it would also hurt Jim to drive for fear that it might make Jim’s stubborn streak, not to mention his tendency to always insist he was fine, show itself so he’d insist on driving. Jim didn’t argue, which only made Blair even more determined to reach the loft in record time as Jim rarely let anyone drive his car without a debate. 

Jim cast one last look at the empty cages that he could still see in the distance. The throbbing pain in his back was nothing compared to the raw feeling of utter loss and helplessness he had gotten from the panther. Wherever he and the others were now… Jim hoped they were free… Free like any being should be. Tearing himself away, Jim got into the car, mindful of his hurting back, and tried to make sure that he didn’t stain his seat with his blood, though he could feel it was almost dried by now. They drove in silence for a while, both thinking about what had just happened. 

“I was afraid that I would be forced to watch you suffer a painful death today without being able to help you in any way. I never knew what my worst nightmare was… until then,” Blair admitted Sentinel soft, his fear shining through in his words. 

Jim winced at the image Blair's words made. He had seen Blair die, he had felt that pain… He had known then what his worst nightmare was and it was to lose the man he loved more than life itself. 

“Sorry.” Jim didn’t know what he was sorry for, but most of all he was simply sorry that Blair had been in pain and that he had been the cause, unintended as it might have been. 

“Don’t be.” Blair stopped at a red light and turned to face Jim, a warm look in his eyes. “I love you. I always knew it, but tonight… I’ve never felt so helpless in my life. I think tonight I really felt just how much I love you.” His voice was sincere and heartfelt.

“I love you too,” Jim said huskily, moved by Blair’s words. He ignored his complaining back and leaned in to steal a quick kiss. “Forever,” he added meaningfully and Blair nodded, a hand stroking Jim’s cheek before it fell away when the lights were about to change.

“Forever,” Blair agreed, sealing the pledge. 

The rest of the way to the loft was made in comfortable silence. Blair cast worried looks at Jim’s tired and strained face but finally they were home and he helped Jim up the stairs and into the loft. After having cleaned the wounds, Blair counted twenty-five angry red whip marks, which painted an agonizing landscape of criss-crossed, long, fine lines of pain over Jim’s back. The sight of the extensive injury made Blair fight to keep tears of sympathy out of his eyes as memories from earlier that day, of how the marks had appeared and his own helplessness, threatened to come back to him. Blair bandaged Jim’s back as carefully as possible and though Jim remained silent, the tightening of his jaw told Blair that even the softest touch to his back send a wave of fire through his body. 

As the sun was about to rise, Jim had been bandaged and they had finally been able to go to bed, both beyond exhaustion. Jim spooned up behind Blair, mindful of his back as he moved, and held the younger man in a close embrace. Blair laid his arms over Jim’s as they both settled down to sleep. Tomorrow was soon enough to speak about what had happened. Besides, Blair was sure they both had a pretty good idea about what they had done. The hows seemed unimportant. 

Mumbling an 'I love you' to Jim, Blair fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He could have sworn he heard Jim’s warm and loving voice say, I love you too in his mind; but before he had time to wonder about it, he was deeply asleep. 

Soon after, listening to his Guide’s heartbeat, Jim drifted into sleep as well; sheer exhaustion making sure his injury didn’t keep him awake. Unknown to Blair, Jim too thought he felt a warm and loving presence in his mind, speaking those three words that pledged forever love.

The End


End file.
